Do you mean to say that insecurity actually ends?

Right now the weather in NorCal is chilly, wet, rainy, windy and it's evening -- so it's dark.
I made a big pot of homemade beef vegetable soup on Sunday, during the last series of rains.  I'm going to heat it up tonight.  Perfect evening for it.  THAT reminds me of something.

When I was a teen in upstate New York, a huge rainstorm hit the area.  We had an in-ground pool, and it must've been late winter or early spring, because the pool was covered for the season.  It was cold, windy and blustery.  The cover flew off, and my dad, brother and I ran out into the weather to snag it and reattach it so that it wouldn't become damaged.  Those things are expensive to replace. 

We were wet and chilled to the bone by the time we finished the job.  Earlier in the day my mom began a pot of beef vegetable soup (I use her recipe) for dinner that evening.  When we slogged into the house, she was waiting with towels and steaming bowls of that soup.  There was thunder and lightning, rain, hail and wind outside.  In the kitchen it was bright with light, warm and dry, with some of the best soup I had ever had!  I felt very nurtured and secure in that moment.  It also felt great to have battled the elements and accomplished something important to the family that afternoon. 

I like this kind of weather, as long as it doesn't stick around too long.  I need a break from it every once in a while, although the reservoirs really need the rain.  We've had rain for the last couple of weeks, although we had a lovely, sunny day the other day and it was grand.  Just enough of a break to make the heart sing before plunging back into the chilly grey.

I do a lot of running around during the day at work, traveling between the company's various locations.  The rain was a steady downpour, with big drops that went SPLAT! on every surface.  Within just a few minutes I was drenched.  My coat, apparently, is water resistant, not water proof.  I really should have read the tag more closely when I bought it.  So, when my day finally ended and I got into the car for the 60-minute drive home, my clothes were damp.  Once I arrived home, the first thing I did was to slip into some nice, warm, fuzzy sweats!  The grey ones with the long, floppy sleeves.  OOOOOHHHHH yeah!  Comfort!  And now -- to that soup!

I'm thinking that I'm thinking too much.  There's always something to think about. My thoughts are usually in response to whatever is happening around me -- the news, work, my relationships, the ice hockey game, etc.  Thoughts are just an inner commentary on the outer events.  Nothing special going on there.

Contemplation, however, is more than mere thought.  That's where the juicy stuff is.  It's where I slow down the thoughts and pause to explore an idea, concept, a friend's blog, an AHA! moment, and my navel.

I've had some pretty interesting AHA! moments lately, and that's feeling pretty good.  I spent several months just dealing with job loss and creating a new work situation, health challenges, financial issues, etc.  I think there are times when we do have to focus on our physical lives.  But, it left me with little time or energy for my inner life. 

I know, as a spiritual person it's supposed to be the other way around, but practicality required an outward focus.  And I think that's just fine.  Spiritual practice gave me the core tools to make the choices I need to make and take the actions that are appropriate in the moment.   I'm glad I've finally reached that point in my spiritual development.  There's a certain knowing that just exists;  its hum or vibration always giving me the cues I need to carry on.

Now, however, things are on a pretty even keel.  I'm noticing that I do have more free time -- until I start my studies at USF for the next 23 months.  In these free spaces I'm noticing that I'm missing my inner life.  So, I'm contemplating how to restart that.

I think it's like being absent from the gym for a few months.  It was easy to get out of the habit of meditation, prayer, journaling, spiritual study and discourse.  My meditation muscle is a bit sluggish.  Oh -- I know how to to it and I know it's benefits.  But it seems weird to be starting over again.  Being able to just sit in the quiet takes more effort than I thought it would.  I'm only able to do it for a few minutes.  I know I'll rebuild and regain those dormant skills.  But, I'm almost hesitant to do it.

When I'm involved in regular spiritual practice, things shift and change.  I like hanging out in those realms.  I get distracted from my day-to-day living.  I find it hard to straddle both worlds.  I recognize this means I have a certain spiritual immaturity.  But it feels so good to FINALLY have my daily life in order.  Things are going along smoothly.  I don't feel particularly disconnected or discontent with what is. 

If I get all spiritual again, I'm going to feel the discontent with my life.   I'm going to feel the tug again -- that yearning to respond to a call that I can't quite respond to and pay the bills at the same time.  God is going to nudge me.  And I don't want to be nudged right now.  I spent ten years trying to hear the call and respond to it.  It's felt good for the last year to just eat, sleep, read mystery novels, make love, go to work, and hang out with friends.  No inner drama, no angst, no trying to find my spiritual home. 

There are folks who are going to read this and offer kind and helpful hints to get back on track.  I'll be given all the right reasons to stretch that spiritual muscle again, to return to spiritual service to others, etc.  I know all of those -- and I'm already giving you gratitude for your thoughtful and caring nudge back from the edge.  But, ya know -- I already understand all of that.  The thing I'm struggling with -- the core issue -- is, "Why can't God just leave me alone????" 

Actually, I know that God never leaves me.  And I have daily evidence that  I'm loved.  I have a good job with a great company and good people.  I have a home.  I'm certainly not starving.  So, in that regard, I am glad that I'm not alone.  I'm so grateful that God and I are in partnership.  I am blessed with inner and outer gifts galore.

My frustration with those spiritual gifts is that whenever I express them, life seems to fall apart.  And I don't have anything new to offer.  There are those who are much more adept than I, with greater wisdom and knowledge.  God shows up far more beautifully elsewhere. 

If I hang out with God in a meaningful way again, I'm just going to be frustrated.  So, for now, I'm only thinking about it. 

My sister forwarded an objectionable email today.  Objectionable to me, that is.  It was one of those pre-packaged racially charged emails that flies around from place to place, leaving little drops of hatred and disrespect wherever it lands.  I knew that she thought it was funny.  And, I'm sure it represented her beliefs.  Otherwise, she wouldn't have identified with it enough to share it.

She's sent other similar emails.  I rarely comment on them.  I don't forward them to anyone and delete them immediately. 

But I'm really curious about why she sends them to me?  She knows I'm a bleeding heart liberal borderline progressive and occasional libertarian and a deeply spiritual person who tries (and sometimes fails) to respect all beings, even though I don't understand or may disagree. 

I try not to be offended.  Offense is a choice.  I try to just accept that she is who she is and that this is her world view.  Just as much as I would wish her to accept mine.  I'd like for us to live peaceably in filial relationship.  But it's really difficult for me.  And I'm painfully aware of her and mom's feelings about the way I have grown to view the world.

There was a time when I was a "born again" Christian.  There's nothing like the converted to drive a family nuts.  I tried to save them all.  I was either deluded or misguided.  Certainly was disrespectful and rude.  But I and my Christian bretheren didn't see it that way.

My family let me know just what they thought of my behavior.  So, I toned it down because of my desire to get along with everyone.  Still, they knew what my beliefs were.

Those beliefs changed when I had a deeply mystical experience.  I've described it in other blogs and articles, so I won't go into it here.  But I stopped being a Christian and started developing my relationship with God.   I was still rude about it, though; trying to get my family to understand what I was learning.  Thankfully, I've developed some maturity around it and don't do it anymore (try to convince my family, that is).  I'll never have their acceptance, and I finally grok that.  Not a big deal to me, these days.  I can't change what is.  Instead I work to simply accept that we are worlds apart in many areas.  I try to practice respect and tolerance when I am with them.  Which is why I haven't told my sister that I don't want to receive those emails any longer. 

I don't want an even greater distance than we already have.  We've never been a really close family.  And I've made choices that deepened that divide.  I wasn't intending to hurt my family members by turning from our family beliefs.  I just found different ideas that felt more in alignment with the "real" me.  So, perhaps I feel guilty.  I'm the one who moved away first.  Ran away is more like it.  And I keep moving.  But still, they want me to be inside their circle.  Why, I don't know.  We don't mesh. 

A funny thing happened a few years ago.  My sister got religion.  She's now a deeply committed Lutheran.  Which is why many of her beliefs and behaviors mystify me.  They are contrary to the teachings she says she reveres.

Shortly after our dad died, she quietly and earnestly took me aside and asked with great concern about whether I still believed in Jesus.  I assured her that I do.  I didn't try to explain what I knew she wouldn't understand.  I believe in Jesus in a much different way than I did when I was a Christian.  Actually, I feel an even deeper connection to his energy and teachings these days.  There are times when I feel that energy move through me and touch the world with my hands.  Sounds weird even to me -- so I know my family wouldn't understand. 

I'm caught in a bit of a dilemma.  I have no problem stepping quietly away from conversations at work that I feel are debasing, demeaning or disrespectful of others.  I don't get up on my high horse about my beliefs, because that's equally disrespectful.  I simply choose to politely disengage.  But I have a hard time doing the same with my family.  I sit there and smile blandly.  I don't tell my sister to stop being disrespectful by sending those emails to me or to others.  I hit the delete key, instead.

I think I'm being in my truth by being polite and not making a stink about it.  And yet, I resent the damned emails!  Resentment occurs when we are not being authentic, so obviously, I'm not in my truth by accepting sister's actions and disregard for my beliefs.  Acceptance isn't agreement.  It's simply not fighting against what I can't change, isn't it?  And family is important, isn't it?  After all, that's why I strive to respect their right to have their beliefs.  It's not up to me to try to change them.  I think I'm choosing peace, but am actually not feeling very peaceful about the relationships.

I know the sages often teach that those who choose the path of God generally have to leave family and friends, the old life, behind.  I understand why.  The worlds collide.  And it sucks.

All rights reserved.  Copyright 2008 by Karen E. Kelsay.
 

I'm living in a state of grace these days.  I've experienced these times before and I am always amazed by them and deeply grateful for them.  The constant prayer of my heart is one of gratitude, both outwardly and inwardly.

It stymies me, though.  Just a few short months ago I was in a dark night of the soul, deeply questioning the existence of any kind of connection with the Presence.  It seemed to me that life seriously sucked at the time.  I actually contemplated ending my life.  It was pretty empty at that moment.  I didn't see the point of continuing.

Then something happened.  Life came flooding in from all directions.  I'm not sure what precipitated it.  And I am glad of it.

Still, I'm more than a little curious.  One would have to be seriously out of touch with mainstream spirituality to have not heard of the teachings like those found in "The Secret" and Abraham and other think-and-you-will-be manifestation schools of thought.  So -- why did my life suddenly become so fantastic if I was so miserable?  It causes me to stop and think (no pun intended).  What's thought got to do with the experience of God?

There have been times in my life when I've felt deep, seemingly irreversible despair.  I'm not thinkin' happy thoughts in those times.  Yet, it's during these periods of desperation and almost faithlessness that grace appears most readily.   Funny -- I didn't notice that until I wrote it just now.  Is grace a direct challenge to the psyche's insistence on feeling separate from life?  It's almost as if the universe is singing, "nya nya nya nya nya na!" to my insistence that I'm not worthy.

In this state of grace, there's this part of me that's waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under the miracles.  So, I went to see my therapist this evening.  Life is good and it scares the shit out of me.  Doors are opening and miracles are occurring almost daily.

He didn't say anything I didn't already know -- Lord knows I've blogged about it enough.  But it was good to be reminded. 

We don't earn grace.  The universe doesn't give here and withhold there.  What we experience has to do with our capacity to allow it to move through us.  How big can we be?  How much God can we stand?  Our experience of the divine has nothing to do with how big God is, but rather, how small we force ourselves to be.  The smallness is the cause of our despair.  The soul wants to have its full expression.  

Even more important is that our self-imposed smallness isn't something that should be judged or ridiculed.  Judgment and ridicule are concrete barriers, hardening us to other possibilities.  The smallness is our edge, not God's.  And it's the place for which we must hold the most compassion for ourselves.  And each time we meet those edges, we're being asked to step beyond our fear and judgment of the situation and to see the larger picture.  
Our compassion is elastic, stretching that edge to allow our capacity for God to increase.  As our container grows, we'll still have those dark nights of the soul.  But our experience tells us that they don't last forever and that grace is just around the corner.

Life is.  We have to accept the bad hair days with the perfect 'do.  The mountains will always be part of the landscape.  The height, width or number of them are not a measure of who we are.  The measure of who we are is what we do when we encounter the mountains.   Just as the amount of grace in our lives isn't a measure of who we are. 

The spiritual life is full of bad hair days, boken appliances, bounced checks and other real-world experiences we'd rather not have but can't avoid.  We get sick.  Loved ones die.  The company we work for shuts down.  Someone leaves a burner on and the house burns down.  That's life.  La-la airy-fairy dreamy-eyed life-is-good ya-ya ain't spirituality.  Living in a way that allows the spirit within move through us in these situations is spirituality.  

Truly embodying spirit is not a badge of honor.  It's war regalia - guiding and protecting us as we climb our mountains.

Those difficult parts of life should not be judged as good or bad.  Nothing is bad or good except thinking makes it so.   Certainly they're not fun.  They're just our edges.  But they should not be negated.  We're having the experience.  What is needed is self compassion and compassion for others involved.    

When I learned that other people were struggling with the same things I'm struggling with, I learned to love them instead of loathe them.  Compassion can only happen when we accept pain as real. 

Our humanity is as much a part of our divinity as the moments of grace that come our way.  This is where spirit resides.  Right here, right now.  And love accepts us where we are.  If it didn't, it wouldn't be love.

All rights reserved.  Copyright 2008.  Karen E. Kelsay

It's interesting that "this" is left undefined.  We musers, writers and grokkers can pick whatever we want "this" to be.  A lovely metaphor for life, don't you think?  Was that an intentional opening or unclear communication?  I like to think it's an intentional opening.  It allows us to contemplete our particular "this" of the moment.  What fun!

Given that "this" changes frequently and my understandings about "that" and "the other thing" shift, expand and sometimes contract, I'm not sure what I'll be thinking and saying about anything in ten minutes, much less in ten years!

I'd like to think that my "this" of the moment in ten years will be more interesting and enlightening than my "this" of this moment.  Maybe, maybe not.  I could simply be concerned about the dust bunnies under the bed when that time comes.  I'm not really aspiring to have lofty and pithy thoughts present themselves at some future date.  Given that I'm not prone to much pithiness now (a propensity toward wordiness isn't necessarily wisdom), I don't think my thought and speech characteristics will change appreciably ten years hence.

We'uns tend to be pretty basic in our thoughts, even when they're dressed in their Sunday best.  "Who am I?"  and,  "What's my purpose?"  are often followed by "What's for dinner?", "Where did I put my keys?" and, "I wonder if we'll share sex tonight?" 

When I stop to think about it, I realize that even higher vibrational thoughts and conversation cover the basics of life: health, happiness, love, acceptance and security.   Those of us who self identify as healers, teachers, light workers and the like place our thoughts on how to assist others in attaining these basic necessities in a higher and deeper way.  But it's still about dinner, getting things done and sex.  We do what we do becasue we want life on this planet to be better and less hurtful -- what WE think better and less hurtful are, anyway.  Of course, we think that because we're guided by spirit, allowing it to move through us in ways that the average bear hasn't yet learned how to do. 

So, if we're really guided by that spirit, cosmic intelligence, light, love, etc., will we be thinking or speaking at all in ten years?  If the Great Change does occur in the next 4-5 years, will it matter?  If it doesn't happen, we will still have to deal with the day-to-day.  Issues, technology, social circumstances will be completely different.  Perhaps my thoughts and words will be entirely different at that time.  All I can predict is that I will be there, then.  Just as today all I can do is to be here, now.

All rights reserved.  Copyright 2008 by Karen E. Kelsay.

 

Easter is just around the corner.  I can tell because I see rows of pastel-hued Peeps in the grocery store, right next to the Cadbury eggs.  (Did you hear the one about the biologist who just realized he's spent all this time studying a Cadbury egg?).

Since shifting away from Westernized/capitalized religion, I don't do much during the Christianized pagan holidays we now call Christmas and Easter.  There are lots of reasons for that.  Frankly, I just don't like the commercialization, drama and contrived expectations that accompany these overwrought holidays.  Super Bowl Sunday has taken on the same festive atmosphere, especially since folks utter their Hail Maries for touchdown drives as well as souls. 

It's not that I dislike holidays or religion and I love Peeps (they're best when removed from their wrapping and ageing for about three days before biting into them).  But I'd rather remember my teachers and honor their teachings in my own, quiet way. 

I see and hear a lot of consternation around organized religion, and I'm thinking perhaps it's not the religion that bothers us, but it's abuses.  Those abuses aren't inherent in the religion, but in its followers.  Which, I suppose, is really why we need religion.  Without it, we might not have any knowledge of the teachings of the sages and mystics who light our way.

As I contemplate Easter, I can't help but think about what might have followed the crucifixion if the early followers of Yeshua decided to chuck it and go on with their day to day.

An imagined conversation between Peter and Matthew:

"Well.  That was interesting."

"Yeah.  He really pissed off the wrong people this time."

"Still, I think he handled it remarkably well.  Especially that last bit."

"Yup.  It was pretty inspirational.  Almost as good as that loaves and fishes thing.  Great fish, too, I might add."

"Aw, that's nuthin'.  You should see what David Copperfield can do with helicopters and aircraft carriers.  But the fish was exceptionally good that day.  The wine was tasty, too.  It was a good year for the River Jordan."

"Yeah, that was pretty awesome.  The fish, I mean.  Might've been fun to see him saw a woman in half.  Ya gotta figure that he'd have a great finish to that one, what with raising people from the dead and all."

"Nah, Mary Magdalene is ticklish."

"Yeah.  Probably not a good idea."

"Nah."

"So, what're we gonna do now?  Maybe we should do or say something.  You know, so folks will remember.  The Divine Miss M said she went to the tomb and his body was gone!"

"Mary always was exciteable.  You never really know what's going on with her.  She probably went to the wrong tomb.  You know women can't read maps!"

"Well, Thomas said he actually saw Yeshua and even poked his fingers into the wounds in Master's hands!"

"Thomas is a lush.  You saw how much wine he drank the last time we all had a meal together.  Next thing ya know, he's going to be telling us he danced with pink elephants."

"Well, do you think maybe Thomas might have really seen something?  I mean, isn't it a possibility?"

"I doubt it."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

"Yeah."

"But still, don't you think we should spread the word or something?  I mean, otherwise, all of this suffering and stuff will be wasted."

"Ya know, I'm not really up for torture and hanging around on crosses on rainy days.  Besides, my wife would be really pissed if I was gone for long periods.  She already says I never take her anywhere.  Can you imagine what I'd have to put up with if I went on a road trip without her?"

"Yeah, you're probably right.  Well, so...what are you going to do now?"

"I dunno.  Maybe have lunch."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"So - you want some hummus with that?"

All kidding aside - without religion, we might not have any way of receiving the best of the information that was brought in by the Masters.

We get hung up when we take sides and square off over subtleties of meaning.  We take it far too personally.  We need to remember that the message is our salvation.  Not the messenger.

But it is a nice excuse to have Peeps once in a while.

All rights reserved.  Copyright 2008 by Karen E. Kelsay.