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February 2009 
What have you been thinking about recently?
Posted on Feb 2nd, 2008
by 
Karen
Karen
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for February 02, 2008:
I'm thinking that I'm thinking too much. There's always something to think about. My thoughts are usually in response to whatever is happening around me -- the news, work, my relationships, the ice hockey game, etc. Thoughts are just an inner commentary on the outer events. Nothing special going on there.
Contemplation, however, is more than mere thought. That's where the juicy stuff is. It's where I slow down the thoughts and pause to explore an idea, concept, a friend's blog, an AHA! moment, and my navel.
I've had some pretty interesting AHA! moments lately, and that's feeling pretty good. I spent several months just dealing with job loss and creating a new work situation, health challenges, financial issues, etc. I think there are times when we do have to focus on our physical lives. But, it left me with little time or energy for my inner life.
I know, as a spiritual person it's supposed to be the other way around, but practicality required an outward focus. And I think that's just fine. Spiritual practice gave me the core tools to make the choices I need to make and take the actions that are appropriate in the moment. I'm glad I've finally reached that point in my spiritual development. There's a certain knowing that just exists; its hum or vibration always giving me the cues I need to carry on.
Now, however, things are on a pretty even keel. I'm noticing that I do have more free time -- until I start my studies at USF for the next 23 months. In these free spaces I'm noticing that I'm missing my inner life. So, I'm contemplating how to restart that.
I think it's like being absent from the gym for a few months. It was easy to get out of the habit of meditation, prayer, journaling, spiritual study and discourse. My meditation muscle is a bit sluggish. Oh -- I know how to to it and I know it's benefits. But it seems weird to be starting over again. Being able to just sit in the quiet takes more effort than I thought it would. I'm only able to do it for a few minutes. I know I'll rebuild and regain those dormant skills. But, I'm almost hesitant to do it.
When I'm involved in regular spiritual practice, things shift and change. I like hanging out in those realms. I get distracted from my day-to-day living. I find it hard to straddle both worlds. I recognize this means I have a certain spiritual immaturity. But it feels so good to FINALLY have my daily life in order. Things are going along smoothly. I don't feel particularly disconnected or discontent with what is.
If I get all spiritual again, I'm going to feel the discontent with my life. I'm going to feel the tug again -- that yearning to respond to a call that I can't quite respond to and pay the bills at the same time. God is going to nudge me. And I don't want to be nudged right now. I spent ten years trying to hear the call and respond to it. It's felt good for the last year to just eat, sleep, read mystery novels, make love, go to work, and hang out with friends. No inner drama, no angst, no trying to find my spiritual home.
There are folks who are going to read this and offer kind and helpful hints to get back on track. I'll be given all the right reasons to stretch that spiritual muscle again, to return to spiritual service to others, etc. I know all of those -- and I'm already giving you gratitude for your thoughtful and caring nudge back from the edge. But, ya know -- I already understand all of that. The thing I'm struggling with -- the core issue -- is, "Why can't God just leave me alone????"
Actually, I know that God never leaves me. And I have daily evidence that I'm loved. I have a good job with a great company and good people. I have a home. I'm certainly not starving. So, in that regard, I am glad that I'm not alone. I'm so grateful that God and I are in partnership. I am blessed with inner and outer gifts galore.
My frustration with those spiritual gifts is that whenever I express them, life seems to fall apart. And I don't have anything new to offer. There are those who are much more adept than I, with greater wisdom and knowledge. God shows up far more beautifully elsewhere.
If I hang out with God in a meaningful way again, I'm just going to be frustrated. So, for now, I'm only thinking about it.
Contemplation, however, is more than mere thought. That's where the juicy stuff is. It's where I slow down the thoughts and pause to explore an idea, concept, a friend's blog, an AHA! moment, and my navel.
I've had some pretty interesting AHA! moments lately, and that's feeling pretty good. I spent several months just dealing with job loss and creating a new work situation, health challenges, financial issues, etc. I think there are times when we do have to focus on our physical lives. But, it left me with little time or energy for my inner life.
I know, as a spiritual person it's supposed to be the other way around, but practicality required an outward focus. And I think that's just fine. Spiritual practice gave me the core tools to make the choices I need to make and take the actions that are appropriate in the moment. I'm glad I've finally reached that point in my spiritual development. There's a certain knowing that just exists; its hum or vibration always giving me the cues I need to carry on.
Now, however, things are on a pretty even keel. I'm noticing that I do have more free time -- until I start my studies at USF for the next 23 months. In these free spaces I'm noticing that I'm missing my inner life. So, I'm contemplating how to restart that.
I think it's like being absent from the gym for a few months. It was easy to get out of the habit of meditation, prayer, journaling, spiritual study and discourse. My meditation muscle is a bit sluggish. Oh -- I know how to to it and I know it's benefits. But it seems weird to be starting over again. Being able to just sit in the quiet takes more effort than I thought it would. I'm only able to do it for a few minutes. I know I'll rebuild and regain those dormant skills. But, I'm almost hesitant to do it.
When I'm involved in regular spiritual practice, things shift and change. I like hanging out in those realms. I get distracted from my day-to-day living. I find it hard to straddle both worlds. I recognize this means I have a certain spiritual immaturity. But it feels so good to FINALLY have my daily life in order. Things are going along smoothly. I don't feel particularly disconnected or discontent with what is.
If I get all spiritual again, I'm going to feel the discontent with my life. I'm going to feel the tug again -- that yearning to respond to a call that I can't quite respond to and pay the bills at the same time. God is going to nudge me. And I don't want to be nudged right now. I spent ten years trying to hear the call and respond to it. It's felt good for the last year to just eat, sleep, read mystery novels, make love, go to work, and hang out with friends. No inner drama, no angst, no trying to find my spiritual home.
There are folks who are going to read this and offer kind and helpful hints to get back on track. I'll be given all the right reasons to stretch that spiritual muscle again, to return to spiritual service to others, etc. I know all of those -- and I'm already giving you gratitude for your thoughtful and caring nudge back from the edge. But, ya know -- I already understand all of that. The thing I'm struggling with -- the core issue -- is, "Why can't God just leave me alone????"
Actually, I know that God never leaves me. And I have daily evidence that I'm loved. I have a good job with a great company and good people. I have a home. I'm certainly not starving. So, in that regard, I am glad that I'm not alone. I'm so grateful that God and I are in partnership. I am blessed with inner and outer gifts galore.
My frustration with those spiritual gifts is that whenever I express them, life seems to fall apart. And I don't have anything new to offer. There are those who are much more adept than I, with greater wisdom and knowledge. God shows up far more beautifully elsewhere.
If I hang out with God in a meaningful way again, I'm just going to be frustrated. So, for now, I'm only thinking about it.
Access: Public
I know this sounds cliche - (but what the heck!) - but, this really resonates with me right now. Seven years ago I fell into a deep period of spiritual introspection. It was like falling into white water rapids - it was a time of panic, emotional dips and twists and turns - until I came out onto a peaceful lake. And, for a while after I “arrived”, I floated and loved the Oneness with the lake. And then a storm blew up … and a wave (or several) hit me, and I basically had to concentrate on swimming and keeping my head above water. The inner awareness I attained during my time in the rapids remained, so I “watched” myself riding the waves with a new sort of detachment - some of the time anyway. But, the job of getting through the storm required all my energy, so that feeling of Oneness with the Lake wasn't dominant in my consciousness.
4 years ago my eldest daughter and I were rear-ended, then a month later she was hit by a car in a cross-walk. The time which followed involved physical and emotional challenges, not only on our part, but with my other two children as well. I still continued to meditate, but day-in-day-out coping with crisis-es (large and small) took priority. I fell back onto old coping mechanisms - like snacking on sweet foods, etc. At first that “back-slide”angered me, because I thought I'd “grown out” of it. Then , I realized I had to go back to all that in order to make peace with my body and work off other karma (again another cliche, but, if the karmic shoe fits… . :) Lately, the tug is getting stronger to get back to a more intense spiritual practice, and to shed the cocoon which has served me well the last few years.
But, the memory of my time in the white water is a bit daunting. Perhaps it won't be as intense this time, because that first time shook me out of a deep sleep. The past few years, it's like I have been “dozing” spiritually. Not back to the old sleep, but not fully awake either. I know what you mean about “thinking about it.” The difference between now and then perhaps is that I am going to choose to take the plunge this time instead of falling in.
It's not cliche at all, Otter! It's well thought out and very helpful. I'm so glad to know this isn't a unique struggle – the balance of every day living with the spiritual inner life.
I hope you and your daughter are doing better.
White water! You ain't kiddin'! It's an incredible ride, for sure. Initially, I fell. But then I climbed right up on the raft and looked for the swiftest ride possible. Whoo-whee! I'm not sure who was really doing the driving, though. Me or God. It almost felt as if I just couldn't NOT take that plunge. Drowning in the ocean, as it were. That tempered over time and the last three years have been far more reasonable.
This last year I have been bopping myself for “abandoning” my spiritual path. I don't know if it was self judgment or concern about the judgment from others. Probably more of the latter. Do we ever really escape that? Even the more “enlightened” among us can be pretty critical.
I'm not sure that I truly abandonded it, though, since it is so much part of me. The core lessons have definitely kept me on track ethically and morally. But I took a little detour regarding the actual practice, and honestly, it feels right to do so. I hear what you're saying – not back to the old sleep, but not fully awake.
I miss the being fully awake, but it crowds out everything else! I don't know how to do both.
I wouldn't wish to burst any particular bubbles of enjoyment, but you have been getting along with God all this time! *ahem* That is, you have been blogging and providing fuel for me to wake up within my truth, in my life, and that is serving more than my egohood. Your temporal non-separation is inescapable (read: unescaped), my darling friend!
Ha, sorry! …It's the truth! See, At some point, seeds become roots, and no one can actually avoid it…
It could be that my lack of maturity is unwelcome here…
So I plead for your forgiveness as I go on.
Perhaps your hesitation to reenter your spiritual practice is connected with an expectation of an outcome, or what you could understand as something particular that is going on at the time.
I noticed the thing about giving yourself ground physically, and how you know it is supposed to be the other way around for a spiritual person… Although, unless a person is connected with their genuine source of joy, which can have A LOT to do with a fit-feeling body, what can be expected to arise as generosity for other beings?
Enjoyment can be torturous, but sometimes we just have to leap through!! :D Maybe selfish, but it applies, according to the sages!
Is there anyone among your connections in life who manifests a connection with Aikido? Talk about white water rapids… WAterFAll!
May all Beings enjoy profound, brilliant glory.
C