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beliefs
February 2009 
When worlds collide
Karen
My sister forwarded an objectionable email today. Objectionable to me, that is. It was one of those pre-packaged racially charged emails that flies around from place to place, leaving little drops of hatred and disrespect wherever it lands. I knew that she thought it was funny. And, I'm sure it represented her beliefs. Otherwise, she wouldn't have identified with it enough to share it.
She's sent other similar emails. I rarely comment on them. I don't forward them to anyone and delete them immediately.
But I'm really curious about why she sends them to me? She knows I'm a bleeding heart liberal borderline progressive and occasional libertarian and a deeply spiritual person who tries (and sometimes fails) to respect all beings, even though I don't understand or may disagree.
I try not to be offended. Offense is a choice. I try to just accept that she is who she is and that this is her world view. Just as much as I would wish her to accept mine. I'd like for us to live peaceably in filial relationship. But it's really difficult for me. And I'm painfully aware of her and mom's feelings about the way I have grown to view the world.
There was a time when I was a "born again" Christian. There's nothing like the converted to drive a family nuts. I tried to save them all. I was either deluded or misguided. Certainly was disrespectful and rude. But I and my Christian bretheren didn't see it that way.
My family let me know just what they thought of my behavior. So, I toned it down because of my desire to get along with everyone. Still, they knew what my beliefs were.
Those beliefs changed when I had a deeply mystical experience. I've described it in other blogs and articles, so I won't go into it here. But I stopped being a Christian and started developing my relationship with God. I was still rude about it, though; trying to get my family to understand what I was learning. Thankfully, I've developed some maturity around it and don't do it anymore (try to convince my family, that is). I'll never have their acceptance, and I finally grok that. Not a big deal to me, these days. I can't change what is. Instead I work to simply accept that we are worlds apart in many areas. I try to practice respect and tolerance when I am with them. Which is why I haven't told my sister that I don't want to receive those emails any longer.
I don't want an even greater distance than we already have. We've never been a really close family. And I've made choices that deepened that divide. I wasn't intending to hurt my family members by turning from our family beliefs. I just found different ideas that felt more in alignment with the "real" me. So, perhaps I feel guilty. I'm the one who moved away first. Ran away is more like it. And I keep moving. But still, they want me to be inside their circle. Why, I don't know. We don't mesh.
A funny thing happened a few years ago. My sister got religion. She's now a deeply committed Lutheran. Which is why many of her beliefs and behaviors mystify me. They are contrary to the teachings she says she reveres.
Shortly after our dad died, she quietly and earnestly took me aside and asked with great concern about whether I still believed in Jesus. I assured her that I do. I didn't try to explain what I knew she wouldn't understand. I believe in Jesus in a much different way than I did when I was a Christian. Actually, I feel an even deeper connection to his energy and teachings these days. There are times when I feel that energy move through me and touch the world with my hands. Sounds weird even to me -- so I know my family wouldn't understand.
I'm caught in a bit of a dilemma. I have no problem stepping quietly away from conversations at work that I feel are debasing, demeaning or disrespectful of others. I don't get up on my high horse about my beliefs, because that's equally disrespectful. I simply choose to politely disengage. But I have a hard time doing the same with my family. I sit there and smile blandly. I don't tell my sister to stop being disrespectful by sending those emails to me or to others. I hit the delete key, instead.
I think I'm being in my truth by being polite and not making a stink about it. And yet, I resent the damned emails! Resentment occurs when we are not being authentic, so obviously, I'm not in my truth by accepting sister's actions and disregard for my beliefs. Acceptance isn't agreement. It's simply not fighting against what I can't change, isn't it? And family is important, isn't it? After all, that's why I strive to respect their right to have their beliefs. It's not up to me to try to change them. I think I'm choosing peace, but am actually not feeling very peaceful about the relationships.
I know the sages often teach that those who choose the path of God generally have to leave family and friends, the old life, behind. I understand why. The worlds collide. And it sucks.
All rights reserved. Copyright 2008 by Karen E. Kelsay.
Access: Public
Richard Bach wrote in his book, Illusions, “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”
Your blog, once again, resonates with my experience. In my case, it’s my brother with whom it feels like I am on one side of an enormous canyon, and he’s on the other. My mother, who is quite a bit like him, is easier to deal with, but she and I still don’t share the kind of close relationship I am fortunate to have with my daughters. At the best of times, it feels like walking on eggshells, at worst, I feel like I’m standing in the path of a hurricane.
It all comes down to acceptance. They are very opininated and judgmental, and if you don’t share their views, then, in my brother’s case, you are written off. My Mom is just intense. I have some compassion for where they are coming from. Before my “awakening” I too, was very firm about my often negative world view. As we both have learned, hanging onto opinions and trying to convince someone else of them is basically a waste of precious energy. Politics, religion, etc. are so filled with gray areas for me now, that the utility of having a “fixed” opinion about anything seems more and more absurd to me. Maybe that makes me “wishy-washy” in some people’s eyes, but that’s the way I feel.
It is more frustrating to deal with kind of behaviour when it’s your family somehow. We have greater attachment to them through the shear fact we shared the same womb and/or house. As Richard Bach wrote, I have found “family” in other places. These are people with whom I feel a mutual respect and acceptance. I can’t change my brother or my Mom, and since I came to that conclusion, I find they frustrate me a lot less.
As far as your sister’s emails go, you have several choices. You can continue to delete them, and say nothing. You can tell her what you think of them, and ask her to stop sending them, but if she’s anything like my brother, then that will only create bad feelings. A thought popped into my head as I was writing this. You could send a “reply” to her email with a spiritual quote - whatever comes to mind - it doesn’t have to dovetail or contradict her message - just be something which you find uplifting and positive. No explanations. Just a quote or a poem or a picture. It would perhaps be a benign way of neutralizing the negativity of the first message. Just a thought.
I let out a response to your blog, Karen, as a Friends Only post at my blog. May all beings benefit…
Otter, I admire your way offer positivity in paralleling. Also, the idea of sending bytes (haha!) of wisdom is cause for me to smile!
:)
Hi, Otter. She's like your brother….it would only make matters worse. So, I choose an outer peace. And I neutralize the negativity that way.
dear Karen, these situations are so difficult. i'm glad you're finding your way…
love,
nicole