Okay.  So.  I'm an intelligent, sensitive, caring, loving, congenial, sexual, sensual, enlightened woman, right?  I understand about loving relationships -- that the other person is simply a mirror reflecting back to me the love that already is present within me.  The other is not the source of love, but an expression of it.  That there are many people who reflect different aspects of ourselves back to us, and that one person can't possibly be the whole enchilada (where on earth did that saying come from, anyway?  The restaurants I frequent don't sell them in halves).  And that, just because the love of your life (or of the moment) is interested in spreading his (or her) wings doesn't mean that there's something wrong with the relationship the two of you share.  It's just that the person wants to express an aspect of himself or herself that doesn't get expressed in the relationship you share.

I get that.  But those infernal old ways of thinking just don't seem to want to let go.  The monogamy habit is hard to break.  I have my fantacies and flirtations from time-to-time, but when called upon to act on them, I generally decline.

But the polyamory topic keeps coming up in my relationship with my sweetie.  First it was his idea.  He met someone at a workshop with whom he shared a connection and he wanted to explore it.  I was less enlightened a year and a half ago.  I said, "Well, it's your life.  I'm not going to say yes or no.  I am going to say that I would have trouble with it.  So, go for it, and we'll just be friends."  He didn't like the idea of our relationship changing in that way, so he decided to hold off on his exploration and asked me to be open-minded about it down the road.  I agreed.

We've been involved in the Human Awareness Institute, which is absolutely life-changing.  I don't look at relationships, sexuality, sensuality, and intimacy the way I did in the past.  But, there are still some things that are hard for me to change. 

Still, at my Level 3 workshop last year, I met someone with whom I shared a connection.  Dawned the light!  I understood what my sweetie was talking about.  I went home and said, "Yeah!  I get it.  Go for it, Babe.  And, while you're at it, I'll be going for it, too."  By that time, though, he had changed his mind.  Sigh.  But I do have the gift of a loving friendship sans sex with the person I met at the workshop.  Everything's hunky dory, except my loving friend would like things to be different.  Still, he's a loving friend, and he accepts my choice to focus on my relationship with my number one sweetie.

So then last night, my number one sweetie tells me that he's changed his mind again and would like to be free to explore those parts of himself that he doesn't express through our relationship.  I understand that.  I really, really do!  But, just a few weeks ago we agreed that we were in a committed, monogamous relationship. 

There are no actual candidates for his affections at this particular moment.  He's coming out of his shell, so to speak, and has found that he's quite liking the new him.  He's also noticed that others are responding very positively and warmly toward him.  I love his more extroverted behavior, and feel that some of the credit can go to the safety and vessel of our particular dynamic. 

 I, on the other hand, actually do have a couple (well, okay -- THREE) candidates for my affections.  But, I made a choice, and I am comfortable with that.  They've accepted that I made my choice.   But, I am assured, if the door ever opens, volunteers are patiently standing by.  I really wasn't considering opening that door, having pretty well figured out that I really didn't want to go down that path.  Too traditional, I suppose.  Even though, as a person who's been in many relationships over her 50 years in this life, I suppose one could say I'm a serial monogamist.  Which, essentially, makes me a polyamorist if one looks at my relationships as a collection rather than as individual experiences.

Still, I was really taken aback by my sweetie's comments last evening.  I get that there's nothing wrong with our relationship.  The sexuality, sensuality, and intimacy of heart, mind, soul, and body are amazing.  We click pretty well on all cylinders.  I get that sometimes it's fun and exciting to consider the possibility of exploring other horizons.

I have friends and acquaintances who are polygamorists.  I understand that it's not "swinging," and it's not sex just for the sake of sex.  These are people who have a primary, loving, amazing relationship.  They also have one or two other loving, amazing relationships at the same time.  Everyone gets along, everything's out and open, and somehow, everyone gets what they need.  Most of the time, anyway.  From what I understand, there can be tough moments.

So, given that I know everything everyone ever wanted to know about polyamory because I wasn't afraid to ask -- why am I punked out about it?  Don't we all want to have that kind of trust and freedom in a relationship (I forgot to mention -- goose and gander have equal rights in the situation, if each so chooses, according to the rules).

I suppose, since it's come up so often in this relationship, it will just keep coming up again.  So, might as well go with it, deal with whatever issues come up, and see what happens.  Trust love, and trust the universe.  It could be great.  It could be otherwise.  Even a committed, monogamous relationship has its elements of gamble.

I know that the relationship is very loving and "solid."  I know that I am loved, respected, cherished, worshipped, and savoured.  And that he receives the same, and is very happy with our relationship.  But, there's more that wants to express.  I know and understand that, and I have the same feelings from time to time. 

I don't know that I necessarily want to be polyamorous.  I have a full-time job, and am a full-time student in a very demanding program.  I have two cats.  I haven't even had the time to vaccuum regularly lately.  I do make time for the relationship, and he assures me that our decreased time together isn't the issue.

I don't want to say no.  I don't want to say yes.  I want things to stay as they are.  My feelings are hurt.  Now, how's THAT for being enlightened?

I haven't always been this open and accepting when it comes to differences between people.  I was born in the late 1950s and grew up in the ‘60s and ‘70s.  I was a product of my blue collar, upstate New York upbringing.  The "N" word was used liberally by my dad and his friends, although today my mom insists that she and Dad never raised us to see differences in race and color (even personal memory can slip into political correctness).  Misogyny was accepted as perfectly normal in those days.  Interracial couples were seen as abominations, regardless of the racial, national, or ethnic combination.  In short, anyone who didn't look or sound like "us" was viewed with suspicion.  And "they" regarded us with the same suspicion.  That behavior was accepted as normal.

However, over the last couple of decades I've stretched my horizons.  The things that I once believed were absolute truths have turned out to be little more than xenophobic responses to anything that appeared to threaten the status quo.  I've learned that thoughts, beliefs, ideas, morals, values, and judgments are personal choices.

However, some things in our lives are not choices.  They are part of who we are, such as being right- or left-handed, tall or short, and white- or brown-skinned.  I've had discussions with my gay and lesbian friends and acquaintances.  I have learned that each one's sexual orientation is NOT a "lifestyle choice."  It is part of who my friends are.

Just as I am not wired for a same-sex relationship, my same-sex friends are not wired for heterosexual relationships.  My lesbian and gay friends told me that sexual relationships with members of the opposite gender simply don't interest them.  It wouldn't even be an issue for them if heterosexuals didn't make it so much of an issue.

I'm not an expert.  I'm simply an observer.  I don't know every person who has a different orientation from mine.  But here's what I know about the gay and lesbian people who are in my life:

Their sexuality is not sexual misconduct, nor is it perversion.  They do not deliberately victimize or harm others in their relationships any more than any of we "hets" do in our relationships.  They'd prefer to keep their sexuality as a point of intimacy between themselves and their lovers, just as most heterosexuals do. 

There are many levels and varieties of sexual expression in the LBGT worlds, just as there are in the heterosexual world.  There are also degrees of behavioral acceptance and tolerance, freaks and geeks, and sub-communities within larger communities, just as there are in "my" sexual world.

There are also countless people in each of these worlds who are deeply hurt and wounded, psychologically unstable, mentally ill, chemically dependent, and otherwise challenged when it comes to relating to other people.  They cause harm to others.  These circumstances afflict all races, social, economic, religious, and cultural groups.  People all over the world beat and torture their spouses or partners, rape children, and engage in sexual slavery and human trafficking.  These are the human indignities we should be working toward healing and overcoming.

Marriage is not the bedrock of our society, as many people claim.  In the ‘way back, marriage was created to establish ownership and to create a lineage to pass along those possessions.  Wives and children were considered to be chattel.  Today, marriage is being used as a way to demonstrate ownership over genitals.  There is no such thing as an ideal family.  Most of us are abused and wounded children who staggered from childhood to adulthood, trying to live "normal" lives with the neuroses and traumas visited upon us by our wounded parents.  I'm not against marriage, but it ain't everything it's cracked up to be.  I know.  I was raped and beaten by my psychologically wounded Christian husband. 

So, when I hear and read about the social conservatives who will fight tooth and nail to overturn through constitutional amendment the California Supreme Court's decision for same-sex marriage, I am appalled.  Frankly, I don't care what anyone's sexual proclivities are or what his or her relationship status is as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone else who isn't a voluntary and knowledgeable participant. 

The thing that appalls me is this:  If same-sex marriage is legislated against through constitutional amendment, who will be excluded next?  What fundamental human dignity will be struck down tomorrow?  If the dominant group doesn't like Native Americans, or economically disadvantaged people, or left-handed people, will they also be legislated against at some future date?

Additionally, if anyone wants to take on a REAL cause to eliminate suffering and improve the quality of human life, take on pedophilia, sexual slavery, and abuse.  Shout, demonstrate, and rail against a government that maliciously makes "social" causes appear to be the reason for the undermining of our homes, jobs, health care, education, environment, and families while it erodes our real civil and human rights.  Put up your dukes against rampant materialism and unhinged capitalism.  Harangue the corporations and advertising agencies that manipulate and hypnotize you and your children into be unabashed and insatiable consumers.  Take on greed and excess.  Take on big oil.  Take on the laws that allow speculators to hedge and bet on the things people need to sustain them, driving up prices to the point at which only the speculators can afford to have them.  Take on the power mongers who manipulate, starve, depress, repress, withhold, and otherwise prevent the rest of the people in the world from living in safety, health, vitality, and comfort.

If anyone has that much energy, time and passion, use it to take on something that matters.  Take on the things that affect all of us.  Fight against the real injustices and the things that cause real harm in this world.  Fight injustice, indignity, intolerance, and ignorance.  Not only will you change your own life, you will change the world.  Give your money, time, and energy to build homes and provide food, water, and medicine for people around the world whose lives are devastated by genocide and natural disasters.  And do the same in preparation for the next big natural or manmade disaster, and the next one, and the next one, and the next one.

Spend time taking on the real sins of this world.