To poly or not to poly?

Hi, Aley.  Thank you for taking the time to comment.  I am very interested in how others feel about relationship in its many forms.  That's why I brought it to the discussion table.  There are so many different ways to be in relationship.  I don't know if there truly is a right or wrong in it.  Theoretically, it could be considered to be wrong if there is physical or psychological pain in the relationship.  But, that's a matter for debate, too.  Although, I wonder whether relationship that expresses in a dark way could be considered as whole and healthy.

So many of us approach relationship from our wounds, rather than from our wholeness.  Is my reluctance to explore polyamory just a wound?  Or is it really wholeness?  Or some place in between?

I , too, have concerns about the energetics of malappropriate sex, although I've also read about and talked to those who have the experience that sexual energy exchange can be very uplifting and energizing within the appropriate context.  Personally, I'm not sure I'm ready to have that particular exploration outside of my relationship with my sweetie. 

My guy and I aren't married and we don't live together.  We've been in the most amazing and refreshing relationship either of us ever has experienced, though.  I accept that as confirmation from the universe that I have “done my work” around relationship, sex, love, and such. 

I don't think of his wanting to explore other parts of his personality as “sharing” him with someone.  I have qualms about relationship equalling ownership.  But, I do think that monogamy makes sense.  But then, perhaps I'm just too traditional in that regard.

I understand his point of view.  We express different aspects of our personalities in relationship with different people, and depending on the situation.  I'm a different person with my best friend than I am with my mother, for example.  I'm different with my fella than I am with another male friend.   I don't think it's possible to express every part of my self in every situation or with every companion.  A new friend can open us to ideas, activities, ways of thinking, and places to explore that we might not have found sitting in our living rooms watching a movie.  That newness makes me feel alive and connected, constantly discovering the world while discovering parts of my self that I didn't know existed.

Which is one of the arguments I've heard in favor of polyamory.  It's not just about sex.  It's about relationship, and self discovery. 

Still, I find it difficult to resolve within my self.  I can choose not to be involved in other relationships.  But then, my feelings about him having a secondary relationship create other issues within me.  They're perhaps the shadow part of me that I'd rather not know – the insecure, secretly unliberated, secretly June Cleaver part of myself that thinks relationship should look a certain way. 

It's not up to me to give or withhold “permission.”  His life is his life.  My life is mine.  And the two lives intersect.  It's that intersection that part of me wants to “protect” and hold on to.  I can also opt out of the relationship if I'm not comfortable with my feelings about a new direction.  So, I am at choice, just as much as he is. 

Sexuality is part of it, though.  No mistake about that.  He has woman friends with whom he isn't sexual, just as I have guy friends and am not sexual with them.  The place where I'm uncomfortable is where sex becomes part of the equation. 

And I'm not so sure that it's brave to be open and honest about how I feel about it.  I think it should be part of the cultural dialogue, instead of being hidden away and whispered about.  If we accepted our sexuality with the same enthusiasm with which we embrace our iPods and SUVs, I think this culture would be less neurotic.  We'd have less sexual trauma and fewer sexual predators because nothing has to lurk in the shadows where it becomes twisted and hateful.  Sex and love would be expressed in the love and light, as it was intended to be shared. 

We're sexual beings, just as much as we're spiritual beings, althetic beings, artisitic beings and so on.  So, I think we do need to dialogue about it in a respectful and honest way.  My kids hate it when I do that.  I'm always puzzled by it, though.  My daughter's more open about it than my son is.  I mentioned the G-spot at dinner one evening and he about crawled under the table. 

So – I don't have hangups about sex.  And I don't think relationship is about ownership.  So, I'm in this quandry.  I'm uncomfortable with the idea of multiple simultaneous relationships.  I'm not sure if that's old fashioned, or whether I'm insecure (probably some of that), or just too unenlightened to be able to do things differently.   But, I do recycle, so that's got to count toward something in my consciousness raising!

I have to chuckle.  We are open-minded but not open-legged!  LOL!.

It is such an interesting dilemma, this sex and relationship thing.  I think so many of our issues with multiple partners probably come more from societal norms and religious upbringing than from real human nature. 

There are cultures in which sharing partners or having multiple partners is quite acceptable, and the idea of  relationship being “one man, one woman” is puzzling to them.   I'm not talking about cults wherein power is expressed as sexual domination and submission.  It's that power thing that I think is immoral, not the sex.

The church is what taught us about certain ideas of immorality, but it's hard for me to accept the church's teachings any longer because of its own immorality and amorality.  That was more about domination and power than it was about health and wholeness. 

So, given that I understand from a cultural perspective that our ideas about sexual relationships typically are one on one, and that Western culture is only one expression among a myriad of expressions, I have to accept that my feelings are more about my own insecurities and simply not knowing how to navigate the landscape of more than one loving relationship.

That said, I agree with you Nicole.  Loving isn't limiting.  It becomes magnified when we allow ourselves to be in loving relationships with more than one person.   I experienced that when I was in my twenties.  I had a mentor, and we became close.  Eventually, we became lovers and that relationship lasted for a couple of years.  He was married, I wasn't.  I was less “enlightened” then and figured he was an adult and that his choices were his to make, and that he knew what he was doing.  I did ask him whether he loved his wife, and he answered that he loved her very much.  So, I asked why he was with me.  He answered, “Do you think it's beyond my capacity to love more than one person?” 

Interestingly, I was in relationship with a couple of other guys at the same time.  They were single, too.  Each pretty much knew that he wasn't my one and only, and each was pretty comfortable with that.  Back in the '80s, people had more open attitudes, and guys and gals were in a place where being uncommitted was the preferred mode.  Looking back, I'm astonished at my risky behavior!  “Safe sex” wasn't part of the culture at that time. 

So, am I a hypocrite?  I don't have the same attitudes today.  I'm more sexually available in my monogamous relationship than I used to be, but I'm not more sexually available to others.  Even though my past history suggests otherwise.  Why can't I be that open today?

I don't believe that relationship is limited to “one man, one woman.”  There are so many options!  Our culture doesn't like to accept that, I think that non-acceptance is simply an idea.  It's also foolish to believe that variations on relationship didn't exist until now.  They did – it's just that people didn't talk about it.  The History Channel had a really interesting series on the history of sex, and I think it should be required watching for everyone!  Sexual expression is very cultural, and it's expression and repression is also cyclical.

So, that leaves me puzzled about my own behavior and attitudes.  I am more educated and open-minded than I was.  I understand that an idea is only an idea and it's not a hard and fast rule, although we'd sometimes like to believe that it is.

Given that there are so many options and possibilities, I can understand why some people would prefer to simplify things and say, “Relationship is monogamous, and don't go trying anything else!”  Does “morality” spring from a desire to simplify and to remove the onerous task of having to think about one's own ideas and attitudes?

I'm actually glad this topic came up in the relationship, again.  I'm in a place of being more thoughtful about it, and less reactive.  Still, I know how I will react when I hear the news that there is a secondary relationship on the horizon.  I'm not happy with myself about that, but I have to accept my thoughts and feelings, and deal with them when they arise. 

I just wish I didn't have to do so.

Hi, Heemes.  Yes!  I'll pick it up and read it.  Reading John Welwood and David Deida were key to my shift in attitude toward relationship after my last marriage.  I'm always up for intelligent insights from others.  Thank you for the suggetion.

Nicole – thank you for your sensitive response.  I was in the shower this morning and thinking about how we spend so much time practicing pain avoidance in our lives.  In doing things as a way to minimize pain and discomfort, we don't really live fully.  Pain and joy are equal partners.  Without one, we can't know the heights, depths and breadths of the other.  Discomfort is the thing that pushes us to move beyond our comfort zone or to expand our horizons.  Comfort is just a way to stay where we are.  

My discomfort has more to do with the idea of not wanting to feel “less than” if my lover decides to bring a new relationship into his life.  I don't want to deal with the scheduling conflicts, or with the idea that I won't be number one in his life.  I know that, when that relationship experiences bumps and bruises, as relationships do, it will affect his mood around me.  Those are things I just don't want to have to deal with.  So, saying no, or opting out of the current relationship as a way to insulate myself from those possible outcomes is a way of pain avoidance.  Not really accepting what is.  Essentially, not really living.  If I opt out of the relationship, then I end up not experiencing the love, passion, compassion, delight, comfort, and the growth-inducing challenges that the relationship brings to my life. 

It's not that I have to be in relationship.  I LIKE this relationship.  And, I like relationship overall, because it's one area in which I do most of my growth.  I go places, do things, meet people, and experience ideas that I wouldn't have done otherwise.  I can be in other relationships if I so choose, so I'm not feeling unlovable or unworthy of relationship. 

And, I have to look at that whole morality thing.  Being open-minded and accepting of the choices of others is an important trait.  But, what about being open-minded about my own life?  “Because we've always done that and it's the right way simply because of that” isn't sufficient for me.  Why have we always done that?  Is it real?  Or is it artificial?

An idea is only an idea.  A thought is only a thought.  They don't exist on their own.  I can have one idea and it works quite handily for me.  Someone else has a completely opposite idea and it works quite handily for him or her.  So, the idea itself isn't lethal (generally speaking).  It's our response to the idea that opens us up or shuts us down. 

Our nation's schizoid behavior toward lifestyle choices is a hoot, when I stop to think about it.  No one's right or wrong.  If people would just take a step back and look at the big picture, there's room for everything, as long as others aren't harmed.  And, harm is pretty subjective, so that's not really a very strong criterion for acceptance. 

Sigh.  So many choices.  So many ways to look at things.  What's right, what's wrong.  What's love, what's not love.  What's up, what's down.  If you're standing on the ground, that's pretty easy to determine.  If you're floating around above the earth in the space station, it's not such an easy thing to decide.  So.  It is what it is.  It all depends on one's one perspective. 

Do I choose pain avoidance, or do I choose to avoid love and experience, which brings its own pain. 

The lady or the tiger?

Things just never turn out the way we think they will.  I gave the “go ahead,” figuring the topic would continue to crop up.  Besides, I have no ownership claim.  Love isn't a license to shackle.  I decided to trust love and to trust the universe.  I was open to whatever happened, happy or sad.  I was willing to allow happiness to present itself in an unanticipated form, as well. 

The decision – for now – is committed monogamy.  For both of us.  Just talking about the desire to test other waters was enough to bring it from the depths into the shallows.   

Besides, I'm unresistable.  Anyone else would pale by comparison.  I reminded him of that last night.  ;-)

Thank you, Raah.  I appreciate your sharing your thoughts about it.  Yes – we all have our struggles with our sexuality and relationship.  I've given it even more thought and done more study, and had some interesting experiences recently.  My position has changed somewhat, and I'm a little more open to being “open” than I was initially.  Still not sure how to express that, or even whether it makes sense in my world.  It can be a sticky wicket (pun intended). 

I'll probably blog more in the upcoming couple of months.  Going to be out on medical leave for a while – having my foot rebuilt.  Looking forward to the time of quiet and creativity while the bones, muscle, and sinew heal.  I haven't had much time to participate in community while being a full-time student and employee these last months.

I'd be pleased to learn more about your own story and insights.  I'm interested in learning about how other people find resolution to life's relationship dramas.   Here or via private communication is great.  Looking forward to chatting more with you!